Bonus Additions to Saturday's Parade in Washington, DC
Just in Case We Forgot Whose Army It Is
Parade watchers at the US Army’s 250th anniversary celebration this weekend are advised to wait until the very, very, very end of the event! NewsVac has learned that members of the Trump Administration have added some special features to ensure that the President has the final word of the day, and that his 79th birthday will not be overshadowed.
Planned additions to the parade will include:
79 persecuted Christians dragging life-sized crosses. Each pure white cross will be inscribed, in red and blue, with a list of the bearer’s feelings that have been hurt because of their faith. Parade watchers are encouraged to wipe the perspiration from the faces of any cross bearers who appear to be struggling. Complimentary Trump birthday bandanas will be available.
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth takes a break from re-naming military bases to plan this Saturday’s parade. Official Department of Defense photo. 79 recently detained illegal aliens in shackles and orange jumpsuits. They will be marching on their knees as they pull along a massive idol of a golden elephant. Kristi Noem, in pink tactical gear, will be overseeing her captives from atop the elephant.
79 Medicaid applicants will repair the damage done to the street by tanks and other heavy vehicles. DOGE monitors will employ task performance and physical capacity measures as they observe each applicant and judge their Medicaid eligibility. You can’t fake your way through this test! Parade goers are invited visit the DOGE website and report any signs of applicant slackness or wokeness.
